On Self-Love and Faking it Til You Make it
What does it actually mean to “love yourself”?
It’s such a cliche phrase thrown out to people, but women especially. Somehow if we magically loved ourselves, it would cure all the ails of the world.
I’m a pretty literal person and while I understood the concept of self-love in theory, I was a mess when it came to actually practicing it. It manifested itself in multiple ways, not just in my dating and romantic history.
Negative Self-Talk
I am a smart-ass to my core – I love dry, sarcastic humor. And I used to be a queen at self-deprecation. Making a joke at my own expense was an easy way to engender myself to others, seem relatable and make people enjoy my presence. But not only was I making a joke at my own expense, I didn’t realize how harmful it was to talk about myself in such a terrible manner.
I think purity culture and beauty standards in the media have both done some of us a disservice. Because when I look back on my younger days when I *thought* I was fat, I realize the body was banging – but my mind couldn’t appreciate it.
Now I won’t say I have gotten better at this overnight. But I am learning it’s an exercise in faking it til you make it. I have to actively tell myself how fine I am – and slowly but surely, I’m beginning to believe it.
Healthy Habits
I’m an athlete at my core. I always played sports as a kid so staying active was a lifestyle and honestly – an afterthought. I wasn’t intentional about my health because I was young and fit and it just happened organically.
As an adult I had to find ways to be active on purpose, especially as someone who works an office job. And while I had maintained some level of fitness, it was always cyclical. I was ever-reaching to lose weight for some event, some trip or some outfit. And as I mentioned above, even at my smallest weight, I still wasn’t satisfied.
So I became an expert at losing weight. And remained unsuccessful at maintaining it. Yo-yo-ing for YEARS. And then during the initial days of the pandemic, completely falling off the ledge.
This year I’ve reframed fitness and wellness into focusing on what I can do consistently and focusing on the process, rather than the results. If you’ve read Atomic Habits he talks about this – that small actions, taken over extended time yield a snowball effect results-wise. So I have no weight-loss target, no goal number on the scale or size in my closet. But I *do* want to see increased strength, growth in my muscle size and increased flexibility in my joints.
Instead of focusing on the fact that I can’t be in the gym like I would like (Hello CrossFit!) due to a combination of my single mom lifestyle and injury, I created another way for me to stay active CONSISTENTLY and implemented an accountability tool:
The next step is working on making healthy eating a lifestyle change – but we haven’t quite gotten there yet. 😂
But bringing it back to the topic of self-love – taking care of my body is actively showing myself that I care about me. It would be no different than a romantic partner rubbing my sore muscles or nursing me while I’m sick. I have to take care of me at the same level or BETTER than any man can.
Responsibilities
I’m a procrastinator by nature. Who wants to fold clothes or wash dishes when there is a perfectly comfortable couch or bed calling my name? If the choice is A. clean around the house or B. scroll Tiktok – what do you think I’m choosing 9 times out of 10?
BUT – if I was in a relationship with someone and they always chose their own fun, enjoyment or relaxation over helping me with tasks from time to time, I would be upset to say the least. (and truthfully – I *have* experienced this in previous relationships and it SUCKS.) So why is it okay for present-day me, to never help out future me with cleaning around the house?
When I reframed chores as loving myself and preparing for “future me”, the procrastinator within has been minimized, a bit. Knowing that 10-15 minutes of me tidying up my room, or closing down my kitchen provides a calm and stress-free environment for “future me”, makes it worth the short term sacrifice.
Quality Time
And now we’ve come full circle to the solo date challenge that I find myself in the midst of.
I’ve always been an extrovert and liked doing activities outside of the house. But it was rare for me to purposely go out and do something solo, for fun.
I really like my own company. I make myself laugh, I’m more free and less guarded than when I’m around friends and family. Being intentional about spending time alone has made me more selfish about wasting it with people who are undeserving.
Read that last line again.
Ultimately – when I realized that self-love looks like treating yourself like you’re the love of your life, it became easier to put into practice. As great as a wife and girlfriend I was in the past, I have always given myself the short end of the stick. And now I’m determined to be my best friend and treat myself like the rare gem I know I am.
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